The ‘Road House’ Remake Is … Perfect(!)

I’ve always wondered what taking steroids would feel like. I’ve taken oral steroids (for chronic eczema, narc), and they felt pretty nice. Like a cup of coffee brewed with a lock of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s hair. What’s holding me back from leveling up? Well, I’d have to inject real ’roids via needle to the tushy, which would hurt. Also, can dudes under six feet responsibly take steroids? I’d look like some kind of reject meatball from the Carbone menu, right? Does Carbone even have meatballs? Okay. All I’m trying to tell you is that Road House—the remake of Patrick Swayze’s 1989 cable-rerun classic—is not only extremely good but it’s also so honest-to-God thrilling that it gave me the steroid thoughts again.

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